I've never been a real "outdoorsy" person unless sitting outside with a large Bacardi of an evening counts. Of course I like being outside, by a swimming pool, doing a bit of sightseeing, usual stuff, but I seriously don't fancy living outside which is basically what camping is all about isn't it?
As a kid, pitching a tent in the garden and sleeping in it overnight sounded so cool and exciting. Unfortunately my sister and I only had a Wigwam, the dimensions of which did not constitute lying down, or a Wendy House which provided free accommodation to Spiders and other varieties of Creepy Crawlies.
Needless to say, the great Camping experience was not a highlight of our young lives..
When I was in my late teens my best friend and our then boyfriends took a little camping break - How I persuaded my Father to let me go I can't remember, it was possibly the maths, Two girls, two boys, two tents, one for the ladies and one for the Gents! Bless him.
On arrival at the Campsite, which I thought was vile, it was apparent that our equipment was somewhat more than inadequate. It wasn't that we didn't have anything to sit on, sleep on cook on or eat on, much much worse, we only had one set of tent pegs for two tents. This tiny mistake I'm afraid was mine, probably too worried about what pants to take I'd left them on the Bedroom floor, Duh.
That night is possibly the worst in my memory, I'd honestly rather give birth twice in succession and with forceps that re-live the discomfort. We had no beds, not even a blow up job, no sleeping bags only blankets, and I, being used to holidaying in the Med, had no warm clothes. My best knickers did me no good and it was too bloody cold to think about getting warmer in any fashion other that which nature invented - shivering.
The wind howled which was no help to the peg challenged tents and my friend and her boyfriend had an almighty row which the whole of South England probably heard. It was awful, I lost my Camping Virginity without so much as a sausage on the Barbeque or anywhere else for that matter, dammit...
Now despite having been Canvas phobic since those days, I've always been fascinated with Caravans. In my opinion, if in intent (no pun intended) on sampling the Camping experience, then Caravanning is a no Brainer. I mean call me weird but I would prefer to have a solid, well at least semi-solid, roof over my head any day than a flimsy piece of nylon. We're talking Britain here and most of the time the Weather is somewhat inclement! I'm no expert but I'm damn sure a tent doesn't give you an awful lot of confidence in a force nine gale with things being blown off and chucked about, or birds dying in flight and plummeting to earth like torpedoes, especially Seagulls which are the size of dogs.
There's the privacy issue too, I mean under canvas you may as pretty much advertise all your personal stuff on a Billboard. If you snore, suffer from flatulence, Sleep walk or talk, or any other night time occurrence, EVERY other person in a hundred meter radius is going to know, and the worst thing - You are going to know about THEIRS too! Oh and the best thing, Caravans have toilets so you don't have to share with everyone else and their dirty habits, OK so you have to empty them, but that's why God invented men to do the jobs like that, no pun intended again sorry..
Right, so where is this leading, well, a decade or so ago we were somewhat financially embarrassed and the likelihood of a foreign family holiday was below zero. My Husband suggested buying a tent at which point I considered divorce proceedings but I had a light bulb moment and decided to source a cheap Caravan. Frenzied Ebay bidding ensued and I managed to secure "Jan the Van" for around five hundred pounds complete with awning, yes still tent like I know, and, even better, a Porta Potty, absolute bargain!
We towed Jan back from South Wales ever so slightly less excited than we planned to be. Jan was a small girl for her berthing capacity of four, I reckoned it to be more like one and a quarter, but hey that's what the awning's for, extra daytime room and for chucking the kids in at night. I was upbeat, even when the Neighbour fell about laughing on our return, she was the worst sort of bitch anyway.
We thought it would be a good idea to give Jan a trial run reasonably locally before we ventured further afield. I booked two nights at a holiday park near Cirencester, purchased picnic chairs and utensils, sleeping bags and probably spent the same amount as the cost of a week in the sun. The weather forecast was grim and our elder daughter was less than keen to join the "fun", but somehow we all managed to get motivated and set off.
Upon arrival at the site it was obvious than Jan didn't quite cut the mustard in the Caravan world, our pitch was surrounded by the newest sleekest vans and Motorhomes that money could buy, poor old girl. Undeterred, for first timers we did bloody well, the awning was put up in record time which helped make Jan look a little beefier if that's possible for a caravan. Unfortunately that's about the only positive..
Elder daughter went into a complete meltdown demanding to go home and ringing her friend to come and fetch her. Younger daughter went exploring and discovered the presence of an amusement aracde which lead to a full scale money demanding tantrum. I proceeded to cook tea at which point I realised that in time honoured tradition I was under-equipped and had nothing to cook the sausages in. The Husband got crosser and crosser and resorted to shouting. I drank some wine and then some, and then the kids started shouting too.
As quick as the awning went up, it came down. Three hours after departure Jan was back on the driveway and no doubt the Bitch neighbour had another bloody good laugh. Jan stayed with us for a little while, provided a sleep-over place for the kids resulting in major ant infestation, and a hidey hole for elder daughter revising for exams, or phoning her friends more like. Eventually, recognising our total failure and missing the driveway space, Jan went back on Ebay and was passed to what I hope was a happy home in her golden years.
We didn't have a holiday that year, unless you count the three hours, and didn't contemplate repeating the experience until such time we didn't have to take the kids. I think fondly of Jan and thank her for the opportunity she gave us, the most bloody expensive meal of mash and beans ever....
Love
Mel - Not cut out for camping..
There's the privacy issue too, I mean under canvas you may as pretty much advertise all your personal stuff on a Billboard. If you snore, suffer from flatulence, Sleep walk or talk, or any other night time occurrence, EVERY other person in a hundred meter radius is going to know, and the worst thing - You are going to know about THEIRS too! Oh and the best thing, Caravans have toilets so you don't have to share with everyone else and their dirty habits, OK so you have to empty them, but that's why God invented men to do the jobs like that, no pun intended again sorry..
Right, so where is this leading, well, a decade or so ago we were somewhat financially embarrassed and the likelihood of a foreign family holiday was below zero. My Husband suggested buying a tent at which point I considered divorce proceedings but I had a light bulb moment and decided to source a cheap Caravan. Frenzied Ebay bidding ensued and I managed to secure "Jan the Van" for around five hundred pounds complete with awning, yes still tent like I know, and, even better, a Porta Potty, absolute bargain!
We towed Jan back from South Wales ever so slightly less excited than we planned to be. Jan was a small girl for her berthing capacity of four, I reckoned it to be more like one and a quarter, but hey that's what the awning's for, extra daytime room and for chucking the kids in at night. I was upbeat, even when the Neighbour fell about laughing on our return, she was the worst sort of bitch anyway.
We thought it would be a good idea to give Jan a trial run reasonably locally before we ventured further afield. I booked two nights at a holiday park near Cirencester, purchased picnic chairs and utensils, sleeping bags and probably spent the same amount as the cost of a week in the sun. The weather forecast was grim and our elder daughter was less than keen to join the "fun", but somehow we all managed to get motivated and set off.
Upon arrival at the site it was obvious than Jan didn't quite cut the mustard in the Caravan world, our pitch was surrounded by the newest sleekest vans and Motorhomes that money could buy, poor old girl. Undeterred, for first timers we did bloody well, the awning was put up in record time which helped make Jan look a little beefier if that's possible for a caravan. Unfortunately that's about the only positive..
Elder daughter went into a complete meltdown demanding to go home and ringing her friend to come and fetch her. Younger daughter went exploring and discovered the presence of an amusement aracde which lead to a full scale money demanding tantrum. I proceeded to cook tea at which point I realised that in time honoured tradition I was under-equipped and had nothing to cook the sausages in. The Husband got crosser and crosser and resorted to shouting. I drank some wine and then some, and then the kids started shouting too.
As quick as the awning went up, it came down. Three hours after departure Jan was back on the driveway and no doubt the Bitch neighbour had another bloody good laugh. Jan stayed with us for a little while, provided a sleep-over place for the kids resulting in major ant infestation, and a hidey hole for elder daughter revising for exams, or phoning her friends more like. Eventually, recognising our total failure and missing the driveway space, Jan went back on Ebay and was passed to what I hope was a happy home in her golden years.
We didn't have a holiday that year, unless you count the three hours, and didn't contemplate repeating the experience until such time we didn't have to take the kids. I think fondly of Jan and thank her for the opportunity she gave us, the most bloody expensive meal of mash and beans ever....
Love
Mel - Not cut out for camping..
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